Embracing Love, Dismantling Hate: A Daughter’s Reflection on Transgender Identity and Spirituality

It’s with deep sadness and reverence that I reflect on my experience as the daughter of a transgender parent. Growing up, I was surrounded by the quiet weight of secrets. My father, a man of profound depth and complexity, never openly shared his identity with me. Still, there were hints throughout my childhood—subtle moments that, in hindsight, carried so much more meaning than I understood at the time.

Despite our proximity to Hollywood, where self-expression seemed more acceptable, the societal norms of the ’60s and ’70s forced my father into silence. It wasn’t until after his passing that I fully understood the depth of what he carried. Beneath his carefully curated masculine exterior, he had tucked away clothing meant for a woman. A private investigator later confirmed that my father had been living an alternative gender identity, one he hid from his family. That realization pierced my heart. How heavy that burden must have been—loving me deeply while unable to live fully as himself.

Neurodivergence and Gender Identity: A Deep Connection

I am autistic and ADHD—neurodivergent, like so many of the clients I work with. And as I’ve reflected on my father’s life, I’ve come to believe there’s a strong possibility he was neurodivergent too. The intersection of neurodivergence and gender identity is undeniable. Research continues to show that transgender identities are significantly more prevalent in the neurodivergent community, with every new study reporting higher rates. Autistic individuals, in particular, are three to six times more likely to identify as transgender or gender-diverse than neurotypical individuals.

I see this reality firsthand in my practice. The flood of transgender clients I’ve worked with isn’t coincidental—it reflects a larger truth. Many neurodivergent individuals experience gender differently, often because of their heightened sensitivity to authenticity and social constructs. The rigidity of gender norms doesn’t make sense to many of us, and as history shows, this isn’t a new phenomenon.

Spirituality, Gender, and Historical Wisdom

Throughout history, neurodivergent individuals have often been spiritual leaders, healers, and shamans. Many cultures revered those who embodied both masculine and feminine energies, seeing them as possessing unique wisdom. From Two-Spirit people in Indigenous North American tribes to the Hijra of South Asia, transgender and gender-nonconforming individuals have long played sacred roles in society.

Ancient Mesopotamian gala priests, who served the goddess Inanna/Ishtar, were a recognized third gender. They held respected positions, performing rituals that connected the earthly and divine. In many spiritual traditions, those who transcend gender binaries are seen as bridges between worlds—people with a deep connection to something greater than themselves.

This resonates deeply with my own experience. My father was the most spiritually enlightened person I have ever met, and anyone who knew him would say the same. Witnessing his passing was one of the most profound spiritual experiences of my life. It doesn’t feel like an accident that my work now brings me into close connection with so many transgender individuals, many of whom carry an undeniable depth of wisdom and insight.

Yet, in today’s world, instead of being honored, transgender people face relentless persecution.

The Rising Tide of Hate—and Its Consequences

We are witnessing a devastating wave of violence and legislative attacks against the transgender and LGBTQ+ communities. This is not just about political debates or differing opinions—this is about the fundamental rights and safety of human beings.

Hate crimes against transgender individuals, particularly transgender women of color, continue to rise at alarming rates. The Human Rights Campaign reports that transgender people face disproportionate levels of violence, homelessness, and discrimination. Many transgender youth, subjected to relentless bullying and rejection, suffer from severe depression and anxiety. Some don’t survive. The suicide rates among transgender adolescents are staggering—not because of who they are, but because of how the world treats them.

This reality is heartbreaking. But what’s equally tragic is that hatred harms not just its targets—it also destroys those who carry it.

Hate, Punishment, and Cultural Conditioning

Hatred is not an innate trait—it’s learned. Many who harbor anti-transgender beliefs were raised in religious or cultural environments that taught them to fear and reject those who are different. Some were taught that rejecting LGBTQ+ people was part of their faith. But we know from research in psychology and social neuroscience that hate corrodes the human body and mind. The stress, anger, and punishment-driven mentality embedded in many cultures—especially in the U.S.—don’t just create external harm. They destroy from within.

Look at countries like Finland and Norway—places where compassion is embedded in the culture. These societies have moved away from punishment-based systems and instead focus on rehabilitation, understanding, and community well-being. The results? Lower crime rates, less violence, and overall greater societal harmony. Punishment and hate are directly linked, and when we perpetuate cycles of harm, we all suffer.

Compassion as the Only Way Forward

This is where I turn to the teachings of great spiritual leaders—Thich Nhat Hanh, Paul Gilbert, Richard Schwartz, and others—who emphasize that compassion is the only way to dismantle hate. True healing comes not from dehumanizing those who harm others, but from understanding how they got there.

Richard Schwartz, the founder of Internal Family Systems (IFS), reminds us in No Bad Parts that every part of us—even the ones filled with anger or prejudice—exists for a reason. These parts often form in response to fear, trauma, or social conditioning. If we continue to treat hate with more hate, we only reinforce the cycle.

This doesn’t mean excusing harm. It means breaking the pattern by refusing to participate in it.

Transgender Individuals as Spiritual Leaders

One of the most beautiful things I’ve realized in my work is that many of my transgender clients are among the most spiritually awakened people I have ever met. There is something deeply profound about their journey—the courage to live authentically, the resilience to survive in a world that often seeks to erase them, and the wisdom they carry about identity, existence, and transformation.

If you hold negative views about transgender people, I ask you to pause. Consider the possibility that you have been conditioned to see them as “other” when, in reality, they may be some of the most insightful, intelligent, and spiritually connected people you will ever encounter.

Look at history. Look at the spiritual traditions that have honored these individuals for centuries. Look at the harm that hate does—to all of us.

And then, ask yourself: What would it mean to choose love instead?

A Call to Action: Choose Love, Not Hate

The time for change is now. If we want a world where everyone can thrive, we must dismantle the systems that fuel division and oppression.

Here’s what you can do:

• Educate Yourself: Learn about the history of transgender individuals in spiritual and cultural traditions. Read the research on neurodivergence and gender identity.

• Reject Hate in All Forms: Understand that hate is a symptom of fear. Compassion is the antidote.

• Protect Transgender Lives: Support organizations that fight for transgender rights, like the Human Rights Campaign and Safe States by Erin in the Morning.

• Heal Within: If you carry anger or resentment, ask yourself where it comes from. Healing starts with self-awareness.

To those who feel unseen, attacked, or unheard: You are not alone. You are sacred. You are loved. Find your safe place from all forms of abuse! 

And to my father—I see you now in ways I never could before. You were never broken. You were never wrong. You were sacred. And I will carry your truth forward, always.

References

• Gilbert, P. (2009). The compassionate mind: A new approach to life’s challenges. New Harbinger Publications.

• King Jr., M. L. (1963). Strength to love. Harper & Row.

• Nhat Hanh, T. (1975). The miracle of mindfulness: An introduction to the practice of meditation. Beacon Press.

• Roscoe, W. (1996). Priests of the goddess: Gender transgression in ancient religion. History of Religions, 35(3), 195–230.

• Schwartz, R. C. (2021). No bad parts: Healing trauma and restoring wholeness with the internal family systems model. Sounds True.

• Warrier, V., Greenberg, D. M., Weir, E., Buckingham, C., Smith, P., Lai, M. C., Allison, C., & Baron-Cohen, S. (2020). Elevated rates of autism, other neurodevelopmental and psychiatric diagnoses, and autistic traits in transgender and gender-diverse individuals. Nature Communications, 11(1), 3959.

This space is for everyone. Healing is possible. Let’s build a world where love leads the way.